All the net is something like a stage, and these people are just a bunch of characters from other Compendium plays.

Welcome to the land of their dialogue, where I, the watchman, will shepard the dialogue pretty strongly. If you don't remember the characters, go back and reread their original plays. A play in 3 acts.

The players:

Georgie - The only character to survive "Nickwad: A Diatribe In Six Acts"
Josh - The forgettable protagonist from "This 7_11 is Really Boring." "Shut UP, Josh!"
Punicello - The axe-weilding clown from "Axe Yourself a Question: Do You Feel Lucky?"
Spuerman - Yes, the "ass-powered super hero from the sticks" from "The Adventures of 'Spuerman'" and others
Jim - Hero of "Give 'em Hell Jim," in which an "astroid" is about to "distroy" the Earth
Marie - The sad-eyed brunette, in love with Paul, from "French Movie"
Charles Manson - That lovable scamp from "Meeting of the Minds"
Offensive Minstrel Show Chorus - First appeared in "The Dude, the Hand and the Voice"
Anthony's Co-Worker - Bitter, underused character from"Anthony's Dilemma"
Uncle Twitchy - What the hell ever happened to him? Anyway, he was in a bunch of early plays like "Seusswad"


Several shows have opened on the Great White Way of Pete's Compendium of Knowledge. Some, like Nickwad: A Diatribe in Six Acts, have seen critical acclaim and great success. Others, like The New Adventures of Gia and Mia, have crashed and burned. Several stars have gone on to great success, even appearing as characters on the Wall; others have faded into obscurity.

Now, several veterans of the Compendium stage re-unite to talk of their successes and failures -- and maybe learn just a little bit about this crazy thing we call "life."

Act 1

Scene 1

[The curtain rises on a small diner in downtown Compendium of Knowledge. Various autographed pictures of Compendiumites past and present -- The English Major Who Waits Perversely, the Wounded Pirate, the late Emphaticus -- adorn the walls. At the counter, Blaam, from Neandertal - A Love Story, serves the customers (all of whom are characters from virtually anything on the Shelf). Jim and Anthony's Co-Worker enter.]

Anthony's Co-Worker: [waving a newspaper at Jim] Did you see these reviews? Did you see them?!? "Anthony has a few does this play." "I kinda like the part with the puppy. Oh, there is no part with a puppy? Hmm. Must've been thinking of something else." Man, if I ever get my hand on those Critic Mokamoes, I'm gonna...

Jim: Dude, calm down. At least you didn't have dialogue about how small your genitalia was.

Anthony's Co-Worker: Yeah, but they liked your play. [reading] "Masterful and unceasing. Nothing like slamming the holy hell out of the various illiterates who paw their keyboards in this direction. Brutal and funny." Brutal and funny! I swear, I hate that Bastard.

Jim: Yeah, but they weren't all good reviews. The Evil Leprechaun cancelled his season tickets.

Spuerman: I don't want to hear it! I was destined for "spuer"-stardom after Seusswad Part II, remember? Four and half friggin' mokamoes, and I stole the damn show, from a walk-on part no less! Then came "The Adventures of Spuerman," and the friggin' critics turned on me! "It had potential, and went nowhere" my ass! And then "The New Adventures of Spuerman:" "Not funny. Not even slightly." Bastards! And then Spuerman II, which was supposed to be my shining friggin' moment! But NOOOOO, here comes Satan's Spawn: "A worthless premise carried on far too long by people with little better to do that poke their fingers up their noses and feel around for the gellatinous masses they pretend are brains." I swear to Christ, if he wasn't a demon from hell, I'd kick his barbed tail so far up his--

Jim: Dude, I saw "Spuerman II." Satan's Spawn was being kind.

Spuerman: That's not the point.

[From the counter, Blaam chuckles.]

Blaam: Heh heh..."gellatinous masses they pretend are brains"...heh heh...

Spuerman: HEY! "I laughed. I cried. I kissed 235 bucks goodbye." Ring a bell, there, genius?

Jim: Yeah, I'll never understand critics. How can something with dialogue like "Aaok asoisn aoin, goid jia goik goik. Ack! Thpthpthpthpthp" get three mokamoes?

[Blaam just shrugs and continues chuckling to himself as he starts a load of dishes.]

Anthony's Co-Worker: Pay no attention, Spuer. I liked Spuerman II.

Spuerman: Thanks, man.

Anthony's Co-Worker: [aside to Jim] Now, The Adventures of "Spuerman" -- Hooo, what a turdburger...

[A breeze wafts through the diner, as though some idiots tried to post lame comments in a play and the watchman, who said he'd be exercising his powers pretty strictly, quickly deleted them. For a moment, it is as though Charles Manson and someone who was clearly not Uncle Twitchy (as I said, people, go read the old plays before posting anything stupid) were here paraphrasing from old "Simpsons" repeats, but like the passenger pigeon and the dodo (very apt analogy here), these are merely a phantom of what once was.]

Anthony's Co-Worker: Man! Did an expository breeze waft through here? I'm suddenly freezing.

[Marie enters from the kitchen, carrying a tray of steaming breakfast entrees.]

Marie: Bitch bitch bitch. Don't you guys ever do anything else? At least you have regular work.

[Marie "slings her hash" and retreats to the kitchen.]

Jim: Now there's a "thermonucular" bomb waiting to go off. I'd say bitterness oozes from every "orafice."

Punicello: Yes, but she's so "intelegent," isn't she? And "wierd."

Jim: [startled] Where the fuck did you come from?

Punicello: [gesturing behind him] The can.

Spuerman: Sneaky little fucker.

Anthony's Co-Worker: Oh, like you're one to talk. You just barged into my conversation with Jim without so much as an expository entrance description yerself, you know.

Josh: [sitting at the counter, turns] Well, I just assumed that he--

Everyone Else: Shut up, Josh!

Spuerman: Hey, I've been sittin' here the whole time! It's not my fault I got left out of the scene set up.

Anthony's Co-Worker: [under his breath] Just like it "wasn't your fault" that The adventures of Spuerman blew large Irish chunks...

Jim: [still thinking of Marie] Ah, she is a vision, isn't she? With her "alabastor" skin...

Punicello: Ah, quit your "whinging."

Jim: ...and the way she carries around that "prob" and that "marcker" for that "chimp panzi." Makes me hungry for "pisstassio" ice cream.

Spuerman: [aside to Punicello] That's "pistachio," isn't it?

Punicello: [to Spuerman] That's how some idiot spelled it in some list before the watchman of both that list and this play deleted it.

Spuerman: [to Punicello] Gotcha.

Josh: Maybe it was supposed to be "chimp nazi."

Everyone Else: Shut UP, Josh!

Josh: Why?

Everyone Else: Shut UP, Josh!

Josh: But...

Everyone Else: SHUT UP, JOSH!

Jim: [to Anthony's Co-Worker] You know, I never get tired of that bit.

Anthony's Co-Worker: Yeah. It's classic.

Josh: I sure do--

Jim: Shut up, Josh.

Josh sighs, pulls out a gun, then blows his brains out all over Spuerman's nifty new costume.

Scene 2

[Curtain rises on the swank apartment of Georgie (played by the incomparable Chad Spunkmeyer, c.f. Springerwad), who sits in a hot tub surrounded by nubile female flesh. He is smoking a cigar and sipping a dry martini. He's wearing nothing but a shit-eating grin and a teenaged groupie, IF you know what I mean, bay-bee.]

Georgie: Oh HO yesh. This is the life, bay-bee.

[Oh yesh. The phone rings.]

Georgie: Get that for me, will you, Britney?

Britney: Marph moph if fool

Georgie: Oh yeah. I'll get it then.

Uncle Twitchy: Thrrrroooowww aaaanoooootherrrrrr teeeeeeennnnnaaaagerrrrrr ooooonnnn theeeeee firrrrrrreeee...

[Georgie glances at the eldritch horror, then tries to get out of the hot tub -- an effort made futile from the fact that Britney is attached to his region like...well...a horny teenager.]

Georgie: Britney, hon, you're going to have to let go.

Britney: Vo I haff fo?

Georgie: I'm afraid so, yeah. I gotta get the phone.

[Like a reluctant Chinese finger trap, she lets go and pouts as Georgie gets out of the tub and moves toward the phone. Uncle Twitchy wraps a pseudopod around her waist.]

Uncle Twitchy: Yyyyooouuu coooouuuulllld doooo oooonnnnee ooooffff mmmmiiinnnnee uuuunnnntiiiillll hhhheeee geeeetssss baaaack.

Britney: [recoiling away from him] Like, ew.

[Picking up the receiver, Georgie glances again at Uncle Twitchy, still unsure how the pan-dimensional horror got here.]

Georgie: [speaking into the phone] Hello? ...Hello?!? Damn. They hung up.

[There is a knock on the door.]

Continuity: Hello, it's Continuity, wondering why the tight-assed watchman is wiping out the funny conceptual stuff while maintaining "Britney with a mouthful of cock" jokes... or should I say "gags?"

Georgie: I dunno.

Uncle Twitchy: Iiiiii wwwaaassssss wwwwoooonnnndeeeerrrrriiiiinnnngggg ttthhhheeee sssssaaaammmmeee tttthhhhiiiiinnnnngggg mmmmyyyyssseeeellllffffff....

[There is the sound of many running footsteps offstage. The sound increases in
volume until the entire Offensive Minstrel Chorus, in full regalia, explodes onto the

Offensive Minstrel Show Chorus: Lawdy, lawdy! When we gwine get us a lead role from de white mayn?

[Britney engages in some blatant crocth-staring.]

Britney: [Wide-eyed, and empty-mouthed] Like, ohmigod!

Georgie: HEY!


[All eyes fall on Georgie. He wipes them off.]

Georgie: What say we start a new scene -- something that actually follows the original premise before the watchman deletes all this and puts in more boring crap about Britney and my penis?

Britney: But I like your penis...

Offensive Minstrel Show Chorus: Laws a moicy, she's a slut! She like big ol' johnsons!

Georgie: [to Chorus] That's right! And since I'm the only representative of a 5-Mokamoe play in this cast, I have the biggest johnson there is!

Uncle Twitchy: [tugging in his arm] Ttthhhhaaat'ssss nnnnooot trrrruuueee...Iiii'mmm iiiinnnnn ttthhhrrreeeee ffffiiiivvveeee-mmmmooookaaaammmmooooeeee pllllaaaayyyyssss...

Charles Manson: [Addressing the audience] Hey, man, let's go onto the next scene while these Tools of The Man are all hung up! [Turns to leave, then pauses and turns back] You know things are bad when *I'm* the voice of reason... last train to Clarksville, Whitey!

[Everyone jumps, startled by Charles Manson's sudden appearance in this scene without having ever made an entrance. The watchman poises his finger over the delete button, then decides to leave it where it stands because it is a funny diatribe. The scene ends in confusion.]

Scene 3

[A darkened sporting goods department in a major department store. Suddenly, Charles Manson appears (from nowhere, yes, it's true), grins demonically, and flips the bird to one and all.]

Charles Manson: Hey, man, I'm Jesus Christ! And Jesus Christ can teleport, Whitey! See, I'm nobody, so I'm nowhere, man, and since I'm nowhere, I'm everywhere, all at once, and I can see you and the big flames...

Jim: [Leaning out from the wings, sotto voce] Oh, God. He's off script again. Punicello, get your axe, willya?

Voice of Punicello: [from offstage] I can't find it, godammit! Okay, who the fuck took my goddamned axe?!?

Charles Manson: I've escaped lots of times and said, "I'm free, I'm free." Then I'd go to the zoo and feel something not right. What's wrong?

Jim: [now fully onstage, calling to Punicello who is still offstage] Man, hurry up! He's revving up for one of his long diatribes!

Marie: (entering from the kitchen covered in hash) I'm so bored. Somebody entertain me.

Jim: I'd rather sling you. [Waits for audience reactrion, receives none] "Sling," you see... see, she was covered with hash, so I said... *ahem*... it was the thing with the stuff and the...

Marie: (to Jim) Hold me!

Punicello: GODDAMMIT!! How can I be expected to wield -- beg pardon, "weild" -- my axe if I can't FIND the fucker?!?

Bob the next door neighbor in commercials who always shows up to give the distressed protagonist a new product: Here, Punchy! Try this new fully-auto electric chain-axe gun! [He offers an amazingly huge, complex-looking device, which trails a bandelero of axe-blades]

Punicello: Why thank you, Bob.

Jim: Shutthefuckup

Bob: No.

Charles Manson: You wanna know about me? You wanna know about me? I'll tell you about me -- YOU'RE me. You're me and I'm you, and my dirt is your dirt, and YOU kliled a bunch of poeple, and YOU'RE responsible for the rise of the blacks, and I'm the one asking YOU questions... and you wanna know about the media? I'll tell you about the media -- the media is goojy goojy goojy GOOJY GOOJY!

Marie: Can someone tell me which way to the dandletorium?

Spuerman: ["Flying" onstage (via leftover "Peter Pan" wiring] I got your dandletorium right here, baby. [Points to obscene bulge in tights]

This play has 2 acts left, and is under the kind guidance of a watchman.

Please select what you'd like to do with the play from the following menu:

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Last updated Tuesday, May 1, 2001.

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