SATAN'S SPAWN's Guide To Better Lovemaking

  1. First, make sure there's plenty of fire and razor wire. And acid. And scorpions.
  2. Second, remember that your partner's needs (or your own, for that matter) aren't shit..
  3. Third, hose down the pit before beginning.
  4. Forth, sewer sludge makes for a great organic lubricant
  5. ...but sand increases friction.
  6. (Yes. "Forth." One, two, three, "for." And yet another goddamned rocket scientist...
  7. ...makes his presence known.)
  8. Ayth, keep the lights on so you can look into your lover's horrified eyes.
  9. Don't forget cutting an extra hole for fucking in can be tighter than any arse.
  10. The ear counts as another orafice
  11. Please don't forget the eye socket
  12. (Yes, of course. "Orafice." It's not the "forth" thing, but it is an "orafice.")
  13. Ripping off the lower jaw can greatly enhance involuntary fellatio.
  14. A barbed-wire 'cock ring' will make normal penetrative sex 666 times better.
  15. Chronic misspelling is an aphrodisiac to the anal retentive
  16. To add a little spice, have one of your demon buddies film it from the closet
  17. ...and then allow it to eat your mate when you're done.
  18. ...or, allow it to eat your mate during.
  19. Two words: fire ants
  20. Let me put it this way: remember the movie Tommy?
  21. No pain, no gain
  22. No amputation, no gain
  23. (depends on what is amputated)
  24. Fire extinguishers can be used for erotic enemas.
  25. A little Saran wrap and the entire catalogue of Barry Manilow, and you're set.
  26. Popeil's Pocket Fisherman, a coping saw, and a shark named "Nancy"
  27. ...are good toys for both foreplay and disposing of the body afterwards.
  28. a jigsaw tattoo is the gift that keeps on giving
  29. No greenstick fractures, no gain.
  30. No pulmonary edema, no gain.
  31. No bloody stumps, no gain.
  32. No rectal hemmorhaging, no gain.
  33. No ground glass bowel movements, no gain.
  34. No trachael lacerations, no gain.
  35. No blunt head trauma, no gain.
  36. No severed tongues, no gain.
  37. No oral appendectomies, no gain.
  38. No seared flesh, no gain.
  39. (See, now THAT was funny. -- SATAN'S SPAWN)
  40. (Glad to be of service. -- Fuckwad)
  41. If you're done, but your partner is still alive, then you're not done (unless your partner was dead to begin with).
  42. (Ewww! Sex with a living person?? You are sick!!)
  43. Live hamsters in garlic butter make a lovely garnish
  44. Be a gentleman, offer to light her cigarette afterwards from the flaming sulphurous pits of hell.
  45. Be a gentleman, offer to light her digit of choice afterwards from the flaming sulphurous pits of hell.
  46. The "jaws of life" should be used to get to those hard to reach places.
  47. a nice chainsaw episiotomy
  48. Sink hair enema.
  49. Too tired? Sit back, have a cigar and let the dog do the work.
  50. Or, sit back, have a dog, and let the cigar do all the work.
  51. Think he/she/it has VD? Torch the offending body part to kill the germs.
  52. While a snake can achieve better penetration, porcupines have a way of making an orgasm that much more interesting.
  53. Trouble getting it up? Just rip your own cock off, 'kebab' with a small stick and use as a hand-tool.
  54. Trouble finishing? Just wad up a list that's past its prime, jam up your ass, and leave. Presto!

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This list was last updated Wednesday, November 15, 2000.

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